Severus's Thoughts
by Yukishirou Setsuna
Summary: A collection of snippets of Severus Snape's thoughts over the years, starting from his 6th year to his death. Most of them concerning his baby sister, Regina Prince, and their life through the wars.
I'm seriously on a roll. I have like... two other Harry Potter fanfics in my brain and an Eyeshield 21 one I wanna write. I _really_ should go back to my big one. Well, as Hagrid said, "Better out than in."

So, have at it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

There was a period in Severus Snape's life where he received presents from an anonymous person.

It completely baffled him. It wasn't as if he never had presents – his family just didn't have enough money and his father didn't give a rat's ass about him, so he never always had one when it counted. But this person, for four years, gave him a present on his birthday, on Christmas, on Easter, and even on occasions where presents weren't really relevant. Every year, for four years, he would get at least five presents from this stranger.

All of them were either baked goods or sweets. Severus never cared much for sweets, personally, but this person seemed know how to make it just right for him. Not too sweet, but not bland, either. His favorite sweet was the fudge they made. It was so good; his friends would get extremely jealous whenever he got some.

There was never much in the letters that accompanied the sweets. All he got out of it was that the sender was someone who was either young or had really horrible handwriting. He knew it had to be the former because as the years went by, the handwriting slowly got better. They always encouraged him to do his best or cheered for him when he did something worth celebrating.

But the weirdest and most surprising thing out of all this was that _Potter_ and his friends knew who this person was. They never told him, of course – they couldn't go one day without teasing him – but he had the funniest feeling that this person was the reason they mellowed out towards him during his sixth year. For instance, when Black spotted him in one of the compartments on the Hogwarts Express, he looked ready to unleash hell on him, but then stopped for a minute. He then made a face and stalked off without doing anything. For the entire ride to Hogwarts, none of Potter and his friends showed up to harass him. Severus was stunned. Normally, they never missed out an opportunity to do so.

* * *

On the first day of term, he got the first of those anonymous presents.

He was completely floored when an owl he didn't recognize landed in front of him with a small parcel attached to its leg. At first, he thought it was a mistake, but then he saw the recipient on top and was even more stunned that it was indeed for him.

At that point, Potter had meandered over. Severus thought he was going to try and steal the parcel, but it turned out, he was only looking for the owl.

"Felix, what are doing over here?" he asked. Then, he spotted Severus's package and his mouth formed into an "oh." He walked off without saying another word.

Severus saw him conferring with his cohorts and found they were just as surprised as he was. Black looked jealous. Lupin and Pettigrew shot wistful glances in his direction, as if they wanted a piece of whatever he got. It turned out to be fudge.

* * *

That's how it went for the remainder of his years at Hogwarts – Felix would land in front of him with a parcel. Potter and his friends would meander over just to see what he got, then go back to their seats. They didn't harass him, tease him, or anything. They merely had a look and left.

That suited Severus just fine. He was a lot happier now that he didn't have those guys beating him around all the time and he had someone to talk to, to confide in. In the beginning, there wasn't much talk between the two of them, but then, it got to the point where Severus just had to talk to someone. And so, he swallowed his pride to ask Potter where the person lived.

Surprisingly, his old tormentor was cooperative in a very different way.

"Just use my owl," he said. "He'll deliver it."

"You'll read it when he delivers the response," Severus accused.

"Nah, I won't," came Potter's response. "My owl's smarter than that – he'll give the response to you. 'Sides, if I read it, you'd tell Saber and Saber'll have my hide. That's the _last_ thing I want."

He was surprised to hear the sincerity in Potter's voice and decided to take his word for it.

So their name was Saber. It was an odd name, Severus thought, but it was also cool. At least now he knew what to call his friend. He also came to the conclusion that his friend was male. A female having 'Saber' as a given name was just too weird.

They exchanged frequent letters after that. It was just so good to have someone who didn't judge him for his views, who just listened. Severus would've liked if Saber had given him some advice, but he quickly found that his friend was quite a bit younger than he was.

Contact was kept a minimum after Severus graduated. He still talked to Saber and got presents, but because he joined the Death Eaters straight after school, he decided it was best to limit it.

"I don't want you to get caught up in something you don't want," he had written to Saber, after he had confessed he wasn't much for Dark Arts as Severus was.

A year before _that_ day, he told Saber to stop communicating all together.

"I'm a part of the inner circle now," he wrote proudly. "But that means things'll be a lot tougher for us to keep talking, especially if you're against this kind of stuff. I don't hold anything against you, but I don't want anything to happen to you."

Saber response was short and sweet: "Okay. Stay safe, if you can. I love you! No matter what happens, no matter who you are, I love you!"

Below it was a slightly clumsy drawing of a teddy bear holding a heart.

The response warmed Severus's heart. He didn't mind that it said 'I love you' – it was as if he was receiving love from a little brother, whom he had come to view Saber as. He kept it with him at all times, sealed in a locket concealed under his robes. Whenever he felt down, he would bring it out and remember he had someone who supported him regardless of his decisions.

* * *

On September of 1981, Severus was ordered to infiltrate Hogwarts as a teacher. He applied for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, but was rejected and was landed the Potions position. In addition, he was to take over as the new Head of House of Slytherin as the previous Head of House, Horace Slughorn, had retired.

Severus was in for the shock of his life when he saw Saber's handwriting on one of his fourth year's potion essays, belonging to a young Slytherin girl by the name of Regina Prince. He couldn't believe eyes. Was Saber just a nickname then? And did Regina Prince have some kind of relation to his mother, whose maiden name was Prince?

He immediately went to find out. He wrote 'Good word, Saber' on the top of her paper (her paper was the best out of all the fourth years – in fact, he was extremely impressed by the quality) and as soon as he was done grading papers, he set out to check family records. It was normal practice to refuse those without permission to look through the records at the Ministry, but Severus managed to convince them he was only looking to see who his mother's parents were.

Sure enough, under his mother's name, there was an entry for a daughter by the name of Regina.

She was eight years Severus's junior, he found out. There was no record of the father, but he didn't expect one. His mother was still with his father at that time. And now Severus understood those days where his mother had disappeared, claiming she was out with friends. Or that one time where she stayed away from the house for ten months. She had been seeing another man and giving birth to his little sister.

Severus thought he should be mad. Mad that his mother considered leaving and not taking him along. Mad that his mother didn't say a word about this double life. The man must've been a good man if she kept visiting him to the point she held his baby. But he wasn't mad. Rather, he was happy. Happy to find out that despite all that had happened to him, he had someone who supported him no matter what, even though she hadn't really known who he was. He was also happy because he finally found Saber.

His happiness swelled a thousand times more when, the following weekend, he found a plate of fudge on the desk in his office. On the top of each one was the teddy bear from Saber's last note.

* * *

In the weeks following that, Severus took extra care to get to know Regina from a distance. For one thing, she was a beautiful girl (got that from her father, that's for sure. His mother wasn't exactly pretty) with short black hair and beautiful baby blue eyes. She was very athletic and strong – he one time saw her knock an older student out cold with one punch (he had to punish her, but secretly, he was very proud of his baby sister). She was also a bit of a prankster – okay, a big prankster. She mostly did things to those who deserved it, though, and that was her biggest winning trait – she made sure everyone was comfortable around her. Regina was very kind and looked out for everyone, even the teachers. There was hardly a person who hated her – except for those who were the butt end of her jokes.

Another thing he found about her – she was beyond talented. Regina was far ahead of her peers, having starting to learn everything well before she even entered Hogwarts. Her best field was Potions, followed by Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration, and her dream was to become an Auror. No one doubted she would be able to make it while Severus was a little sad. It would mean that one day, his baby sister would have to put him behind bars.

But Severus didn't really care. He simply loved his baby sister to bits. She was everything he wasn't, but he didn't care. He loved her for who she was.

* * *

Something about having a baby sister sparked a rebellious side in Severus. After he confirmed who she was, he started a little game with Regina. He would write silly notes on her potions essays, notes that would say 'this is incorrect – go reread such-such, page whatever' or 'what is this gibberish,' just to mess with her. Once, he wrote a 'T' on one of her assignments. The look on her face when he passed it back was so priceless, he nearly cracked a rib trying not to laugh.

He called her back the next day to explain there was a mistake in grading – he had accidently marked her grade with the grade he meant to give another student. It was a lie, of course, but Regina saw right through him. That night, a plate of lemon cakes with "GIT" written all over showed up on his desk. They were a delicious bunch of gitty lemon cakes.

Delicious confections with insults written on top weren't the only ways Regina fired back. She'd right little things on her paper too, but mixed with her essay to see if he would catch it. She'd write things like 'Slytherin power!' or 'my rock is running,' something that was so absurd, it would make him smile or laugh. And if she managed to make Severus smile in class while he was grading her paper, he would reward her by drawing crude, almost archaic, renditions of her likeness that would send her roaring with laughter the instant she saw them.

None of Regina's friends could quite figure what was so funny about a potions essay.

* * *

All fun and games came to an abrupt halt on October 31st, 1981.

Severus, being a Death Eater in the inner circle, got the news almost immediately. Regina didn't find out until the day after, at breakfast, from a letter from one of _his_ friends. It was all Severus could do to keep it together and be presentable at breakfast, but it was almost too much when he saw the white face of his baby sister.

When she ran from the hall, he left too and found her in his office, tears streaming down her face, letter crushed in her hand.

He had fully planned to be the one to comfort her while she bawled, but it was the other way around. The instant he saw her, he sealed his office door, casted a Silencing Spell, and just fell to pieces. Her tears were silent as she hugged him, allowing him to let out all of his regrets, his frustrations, his sorrow.

They spent the rest of the day, crying and laughing or smiling wistfully at memories. They both went to class the next day looking as if they spent the entire night grading papers or doing homework.

* * *

Regina moved to Severus's house right after graduation while her father moved to live with his brother. As he understood it, Regina's father was in a bit of debt for trying to keep his business for years. They had found a solution that simply exploded his business, but it would take a couple of years before the profits could actually cover the debts. So, to cut down costs, they were going to move in with family.

Regina's father wanted Regina to move with him, but she didn't want to. She wanted to be closer to her big brother and Severus was more than happy to let her.

It got hard to see each other, though. Severus was busy with school and Regina was going through Auror training – later Auror duties. She quickly became one of the best Aurors in the department, a feat of which Severus couldn't be any prouder of. Hardly anyone could best her, although he was quite sure he could hold his own. After all, he never once lost in a game of wizard chess.

* * *

Severus never disapproved of Regina visiting Harry on his birthday or sneaking off on Christmas Eve to give him his present. While at that time, Lily and James never anticipated to die, they had given her the task to look after baby Harry if anything happened to them. She took the role quite seriously and always went on and on about how the Dursleys were 'pieces of utter rubbish.' He didn't approve of their treatment himself, but he found it a little funny the way she ragged about them.

Severus, on the other hand, found he loathed the boy the moment he met him. He was every inch like his father, both in looks and in personality. Then, he would look at the boy's eyes and suddenly be reminded of Lily. As infuriating as he was, Harry sometimes reminded him of Lily. And that just made things all the worse. He wondered how he was going to deal with him for seven years _and_ keep up his role.

* * *

Leading Lily to her death was regret number one on Severus's list. Regret number two was that moment he yelled at Regina for being incompetent and not doing her job.

She had been tasked by Fudge to join the dementors at Hogwarts to be on the lookout for Black. He normally wouldn't put one of his best on guard duty, but seeing as Harry was the target and she was close to Harry, he felt she would be a good, extra guard. Even though Hogwarts is one of the safest places on the planet.

She couldn't catch Black in any of his appearances during the year. Severus attributed it to her old childhood crush that she had on him and reminded her again and again not to let it get in the way. But the fact of the matter was – Black was smarter than she was. He already proved his talent in school; it was no surprise he could outsmart her.

When he _was_ captured, she had been fetching the dementors on Fudge's orders when he had escaped.

Severus was beside himself with fury. He was convinced Harry had something to do with it, but of course, there was no way he could prove it. He also lost the titles he felt he should be his. So when Regina tried to promise she would capture him, he exploded on her.

"The one reason why this went to hell in a handbasket was because _you_ couldn't keep your feelings in check!" he had roared. "I've told you time and time again, Regina! There was a reason I keep teaching you the art of Occlumency and Legilimency! _Keep your feelings in check!_ But _no!_ You call yourself one of the best?! Get out of my sight and never let me see you again!"

Regina only stared at him blankly in response and left the school the next morning with the dementors.

Severus didn't really feel the repercussions of his lashing until a month later. In all honesty, he had forgotten about it. He had been wondering if Regina had gone on a long mission when she suddenly came stumbling in with a hole in her arm and deep gashes on her face and torso. Without so much as a 'hi,' she staggered off into her room and began gathering healing potions.

"I'll leave as soon as I'm done getting my potions, okay?" she told him when he appeared at her door.

A horrible swooping guilt accompanied his realization. In his incredible fury, he had pushed away the one person he never wanted to push away.

He tried to ask what happened. Thankfully, she wasn't upset enough to tell him – a Muggle kidnapping had gone wrong and she was around to put a stop to it. Then, two people after her head went after her. And she had to fight them off without a wand and a bleeding arm.

"What happened to your wand?" he asked with a deep frown.

"It's locked up," she answered with a hiss. She had just put some healing potion on the hole.

He winced as he watched it slowly close. "Why the bloody hell do you have it locked up?"

"I'm on suspension."

"Suspension?"

"For letting Black go. Much better to blame it on the guard on duty than to say the Ministry messed up and he slipped away, right?"

Her tone was bitter and Severus felt unbearably guilty. The words he had uttered had compounded greatly into a mess he would have never wished upon his baby sister if he had been thinking clearly.

He sat down on the edge of her bed and seized the supplies from her. Before Regina could snap at him, he gently grabbed her arm and began cleaning her wounds for her.

Severus never understood how Regina could forgive him so easily.

* * *

It turned out she had known that Black was innocent all along. She had risked her career to avoid putting him back into Azkaban, but she still didn't hold it against Severus when he realized that truth too. Rather, she made it sound like he had never been Azkaban at all, which irked him a bit. It was even more infuriating when he found out the two had gotten together. If Black tried one more time to snog his baby sister right in front of him, Severus was going to hex his face off.

But as sudden as Black was in Regina's life, he was gone and Severus hadn't seen her cry this much since Lily and James were killed. And the fact the Ministry didn't regard him as innocent until after his death made it that much harder on her. It was the first time he'd ever heard of her screaming and yelling at her superior, who was so blind about the return of the Dark Lord. Apparently, it took three of her comrades to hold her back and stop her from cursing her boss. Oddly enough, she wasn't fired.

* * *

Regina was kicked out of the house almost right after that. It was for her safety and she understood. A Death Eater so close to the Dark Lord shouldn't have an Auror as famous as her living with him. Although there had been rumors and confirmations about the two being siblings, the Dark Lord didn't suspect. He blew of Lucius's attempt to discredit Severus, stating merely that Severus was trustworthy. That didn't stop him from having contact with Regina, however. She was the only one, aside from Dumbledore, who knew of his secret. With her, he could be twice as effective with plans. She didn't even bat an eye when he told her he had been tasked to kill Dumbledore when the time comes.

"Professor is already dying thanks to the ring, right?" she asked heavily. "If that's what he thinks to be the best way to go, then it has to be. Don't worry, Sev; I'll still love you. And I'll hold you if you want to after you do it."

He gave her a glare at the last part, but was very happy that she offered. He actually might take her up on it, if he could swing by after everything was over…

He couldn't. Of course he couldn't. But the Dark Lord had more plans for him. He was to take over as Headmaster of Hogwarts and change it to the way the Dark Lord wanted. The Carrow siblings were assigned as teachers. Dementors and Death Eaters were stationed as guards all over the school. And in the midst of his acting, he had to protect the students, per his last promise to Dumbledore.

He had never been so stressed in his life.

"I can't do it, Rey," he confessed one day, when they finally were able to meet up. He was holding her tightly, as though he would lose her if he let her go. "I can't do this. I – "

"Yes, you can, Sev," she reassured quietly. "You've done it for this long; you can hang on a bit longer."

"It's different. This is a whole new level. How am I supposed to protect everyone while at the same time tell the Carrows to hurt them? How? And then there's you. You're on the front lines all the time and I know you can blast your way through a good chunk of our ranks, but what if he comes after you? Someone of your level would definitely catch his attention!"

Regina gently pulled away and forced him to sit down on her couch. She sat on the back of it to massage his shoulders. He groaned.

"Sev, I'll be fine," she assured. "And remember you're not alone. The staff at Hogwarts aren't just going to hand the students over to the Death Eaters when asked. They will fight to their dying breath. Turn a blind eye on them when it happens; lessen your grip a little. They can help you protect the students."

Severus frowned deeply, then got an idea. "Rey, will you help me?"

"You idiot brother, of _course_ I'll help you!" Then she stopped. "Wait, help you with what?"

He gave her a sort of crooked smile. "How do you feel about pranking the Death Eaters and wreaking havoc? Discreetly of course. And you can help me protect the students at the same time. Make the Carrows focus entirely on you instead of them."

"Oooh." Her eyes twinkled as a broad grin crossed her face. "You're on!"

That was the last time Severus ever saw her eyes twinkle like that.

* * *

Dying hurt like hell. And of-fucking-course he gets one of the worse ways to die – a giant snake in the form of the Dark Lord's pet bites the hell out of his throat just because the man himself thought Severus was the one who owned Dumbledore's old wand. He always gets the worse end of the stick. At least now he could try to live in the afterlife in peace? Is there an afterlife? He guessed he was about to find out.

 _But… Rey…_

It would be fine. She would be fine. Regina was strong and she knew how to take care of herself. Severus was sure of that. But it hurt to think how torn she would be, to find her brother gone. He never wanted to the source of her tears, but the source of her happiness…

Footsteps. He thought she had found him, but it was only Harry and his two friends. Part of him was relieved. The other, sad. But it was okay. Everything was okay. It will all end today. And he would finally be free.

He seized the front of Harry's robes and pulled him close. "Take… it… Take it…"

And he was gone.

* * *

There was no way I could split this up cuz it wouldn't work, but I think this is still a manageable size.

I really wanted to try my hand on what Severus would have been like if he had someone to confide in, like a younger sister! It emerged into this and then got a little changed halfway, I think. My brain does that a lot.

Anyway.

If there are any mistakes I might've made, please don't hesitate to let me know. I literally just poured my brain into this. And I have a tendency to miss things here and there because my brain goes faster than my hands can manage.

Thank you very much for reading!

Reviews and Favorites are very welcome.


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